Fear of growing up


I’ll be 18 in 2 months. Well, that’s good I guess. ..Or is it?

18 means freedom, new start, independence.. But 18 also means adult life, responsibility and to grow up. And to be honest, I don’t know if I’m ready to all of this.

My life was difficult since I was a child. And it still is. My life always depended on someone. I have never been free. I remember my childhood when I was home for a whole day because my mom wouldn’t let me go nearly anywhere (..and this is where my little fear from people and outside world began). I got used to it. So now it’s totally weird for me being outside.
But definitely the scariest part is being an adult. What the hell is that even mean? To me it sounds like some kind of achievement. You know, when you’re playing a new game and you get all the way through tutorial and you get some achievement for finishing tutorial. That’s basically it. And then there’s the game itself. At the beginning you’re alone. But you think it’ll be easy because you went through that long ass tutorial. But things are not always that easy as tutorial says it will be. And your task now is to figure it out. Somehow. Even though you’ve never been in that kind of situation before.

So .. is growing up a good thing? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. But now I finally understand. Peter Pan is not just a fairytale. I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to grow up. Being an adult seemed so good back then. But now?


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